Catharsis

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On Thursday, July 24, I took three pregnancy tests. After seven months (with a break in the middle for the holidays…lol) of trying to conceive, J and I were shocked to finally see a positive test! It was so extremely faint that I could barely even see a line on the cheapy Dollar Tree test, so I sent him back out (twice) to get more tests. Each one came back with the most extremely faint positive. We cried, we kissed, we prayed…and my heart was heavy.

As the news trickled out to our families I had a hesitancy that I never had when I found out I was expecting A. Something was nagging in the back of my head, and I (along with the rest of my family) chalked it up to my neverending anxiety. I cried every single day, I worried constantly and I just had this awful sense that doom was impending. Three more pregnancy tests came back positive, and were increasingly dark, so I decided to go ahead and make my first doctor’s appointment for Thursday, August 7. I was really looking forward to getting some reassurance from my absolutely awesome OB. She was so great with me during my last pregnancy and she was extremely patient with my anxiety.

The Monday prior to my first appointment I had my first spotting. Brown spotting isn’t uncommon at all in early pregnancy, and I was used to it from the last time, so I tried not to focus on it. But by the time I got home from work I was crying, again, and really feeling beat down emotionally. Couldn’t put my finger on it, but I just wanted to cry. Right before bed I started spotting a very bright red, and it just didn’t look normal. [Not to be too graphic.]  I calmly went into the bedroom and told J, calmly texted my Mom and told her to start praying, and then told them something I know they didn’t believe in the least: I was completely at peace with what I knew was about to happen to my body. For the next 24 hours they tried every way they knew how to convince me that nothing was wrong, but I knew better, and my loving, merciful God had given me the peace to get through the days ahead without any anxiety at all. For the first time since I took the first pregnancy test I was calm.

On Wednesday, August 6 I woke up with a great deal more spotting than I was comfortable with, and by the time I went to work I was cramping. I decided not to tell J right away since he had just started back to school for the fall at a new school and I knew he didn’t need to worry about me. I texted my mom and my best friend, then called the doctor’s office. The nurse immediately told me to come in, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she knew a miscarriage was imminent. I didn’t get to see my regular OB, but the doctor who met with me was so kind and encouraging, and I know God put him in my path that day. The phone call to tell J was the hardest one I’ve ever had to make. The next hours were the most difficult of my life as we came to grips with the fact that we weren’t going to be having this baby after all.

You’ll remember in my post a few weeks ago, Giving up the Reins, that I specifically have been giving over my desires to God in regards to having another child. I thought He had answered and blessed me beyond measure by giving me the desires of my heart. He answered, and He blessed me, but not at all in the way I anticipated.

I’ll never know the sweet baby that would have been in this life, but I believe with all my soul that life begins at conception, and that baby is with Jesus. I will never be able to understand why some women conceive so easily and never lose a baby while it takes such a long time for me and I have miscarried. But I am so blessed to have carried my daughter, delivered her into this world, and to have watched her grow and learn for the past 2.5 years of her life. And throughout every moment of grief (because you don’t really realize how much grief even a very early miscarriage brings with it until you walk through it) Jesus has been there, bringing the “peace that passes all understanding.”  He has given me deep, overwhelming joy that bubbles up from my soul, sometimes even while I’m crying my eyes out. 🙂  Joy is so different from happiness…we certainly aren’t happy about our circumstances, but we are joyful in the midst, knowing our Lord is in control of EVERYthing that happens to us. He wasn’t surprised by this.

The human side of me wants to know why God would allow bad things to happen to His people. The spirit-led side of me knows that sin is in the world, and because of sin bad things happen. While I don’t know when, or even if, we will conceive again, I know that God’s plan is SO MUCH BETTER than anything I can dream up for myself, and I can’t wait to see what He’s going to do.

To all of our friends who have been blessing us with your presence, prayers, encouragement and hugs, WE LOVE YOU! God has used you all in a mighty way to help heal our hearts. We will continue to praise Him for His goodness and faithfulness!

With much love,
B

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Little A’s First Sin

Well, it’s happened.

The other night at my parents house I watched my Little Lady A (age 2) sin her first real, intentional sin. [insert gasps of shock and horror]

We were all in the living room talking when A noticed that there was an apple on my mom’s table and picked it up. She asked for it, but it was time for dinner, so I told her that if she ate her dinner she could have the apple as dessert. There wasn’t a tantrum (unusual, given her red-headed, easily provoked temper), or even any sass. But, then I noticed what she was doing with the apple. My sweet little toddler was doubled at the waist, holding the apple to her belly, sneaking as carefully and quietly as she could down the hall. While her back was turned my parents and I absolutely lost it–it was just too funny. Then, when I saw her raise her little arms to take a bite, I said, “Where did that apple go?” She jumped and whipped around as quick as she could and held it out saying, “Right here!” 

I’ve seen her disobey a lot, mostly in the form of temper tantrums when she’s been told no. But those are usually situations in which she doesn’t understand why it has to be that way, or doesn’t know how to process and release her emotions any other way. This time was different. She was deliberately trying to trick me!

And it was so laughable because she couldn’t have been any more obvious about it if she tried, love her heart.

How often do we sneak and hide and try to cover up our own sin, all the while thinking we are so clever? I know for me it’s more often than I care to admit. One of the sins I struggle with the most is anger. Sometimes it’s just in the form of impatience…easily rolling my eyes at a co-worker, friend or family member when they are pushing my buttons. Snapping at the hubby when he’s annoying me. Raising my voice at A when she’s been told to do, or not to do, something about a trillion times with no result. Sometimes it’s a great deal more lethal than that. Harsh criticism, backbiting, gossip, tearing down others, lashing out first before someone else can strike. I wish I could say that those sins just disappeared the day Jesus came into my heart, but that would be a complete and utter lie. And it seems I try to come up with excuses for them, pretend it didn’t happen, disguise criticism of others as a “prayer request.” He’s not fooled, ladies. 

God knows our sins and our strongholds, no matter how trivial we like to tell ourselves they are. And girls, I think He often looks at us and thinks, “Bless her heart…she really thinks I don’t see that.” 

At the end of the day, whether we are 2 or 82, we are all just children to our Abba Father, who longs for us to give those sins up to Him. To stop sneaking, hiding, pretending we aren’t doing it/thinking it/feeling it. Is there something you’ve been trying to sneak past God?